The Day I Stopped Wearing Dresses
by Mirror and Image
Summary: [Complete] An introspective look on Tifa and the events that brought her up to where she is now.


**The Day I Stopped Wearing Dresses**

Mirror and Image

I was unconscious for seven days, I'm told.

It wasn't the first time I was out for that long.

Cloud...

I wonder if he's noticed yet; that I've stopped wearing dresses. Mother always made me wear dresses. It's not to say that I minded, honestly, I didn't care one way or the other. Mother always made sure that I "looked my best," because I needed to "keep those prospective boys entertained." All of my mannerisms are from her, even how I brush my hair away from my face. I take my index finger and lightly feather it against my forehead, trailing to above my ear. Then, with the slightest tilt of my head, the hair comes back down again for me to repeat the gesture. I walk by putting one foot in front of the other, swinging my arms in front of me and rolling my hips. I always make sure that I have a bright smile and a positive thing to say. It's all from my mother.

I don't think she was a happy woman. She was always smiling, but it never really seemed real to her. I don't know much about it, but I don't think Daddy made her happy. But then, he was such a closed off man; he kept his emotions tightly reigned in. I feel sometimes like I spent all my time trying to get his attention. He was always so _busy_, with work or with his friends. Mother was always at home alone, and she was always telling me to look my best so that I could find the boy who would sweep me off my feet and make me happy. I hated seeing her like that, wanted to make her smile for real. So I put on my dresses and rolled my hips and drew my hair back. I didn't understand until much later that the behaviors she drilled into me in my early years were deliberately tailored to elicit specific reactions from boys.

When she died... Well, it was hard. I wasn't close to Daddy, he had all but disappeared with her death, off somewhere to die, I hoped. He had caused her death; he'd crushed her with his neglect and his lack of display of emotions. I hated him more than anything that day. I was glad he was out of the house, so I could grieve in my own way.

The boys were there, they always were. Cloud was late.

Why did he never come to my room? He always had some excuse to not come, or to stay downstairs in the kitchen with Mom. But today he was there. I remember I was in a blue dress, Mother's favorite. The skirt was much to short, my legs were freezing, but I wanted to honor her. Johnny and the other two were trying to make jokes, to lighten my mood. Why wouldn't they take a hint? My mother just _died_, and they expected me to laugh?

... Not Cloud though, he just stood there in the corner, watching. He said nothing. I think if I had any sense, I would have seen that he was watching me, with an understanding that was unnatural of kids our age.

Cloud... He was an extremely quiet child, it made him very mysterious. He was always there, just at my peripheral vision, but Johnny and the others were always directly in front of me, demanding my attention. Now that I think back, there were times I would find him banged up; I always asked what happened, tried to find out who had obviously bullied him, but he would always shrug it off, say it was nothing, and go back to watching from the corner, just in my line of sight. It makes sense now, of course, it was Johnny that would beat him up when I wasn't looking. I feel so stupid, angry at my own naiveté that I didn't see what was right in front of me. I wasn't mature like Cloud, I only acted my age, not years older.

That changed the day Mom died. I now knew what loss was. It was shit, thank you. I wanted so desperately to have Mom back, to comb my hair and tell me about the man who would sweep me off my feet. I wanted her to give me more lessons on how to walk, how to dress. I wanted her to show me how to sew the clothes I ripped because I was playing in the dirt with the boys again, I wanted her to smile at me and tell me I was going to mature into a goddess when I was older, that I was her one true pride and joy of her life.

Where did she go? Where did she _go_?

"Hey, is that true?"

"Yeah, no one ever comes back after they climb for Mt. Nibel. It's a cursed mountain. Only people with a death wish go there!"

Death wish? Mom?

I don't remember how I got there; only that I was standing at the foot of an ancient looking bridge, the reactor glittering in the mid afternoon sun as it peeked under the overcast. Mother might be on the other side of there; she might be waiting for me. I have to go see her, convince her to come back with me. My dress is clinging to my body; I realize belatedly I've been perspiring from the hike. I adjust myself quickly, straightening up for meeting my mom. Why do women get breasts when they're older? They get in the way, especially when they're so big!

Grunting, I stepped forward and begin crossing the bridge. Mother was on the other side, I knew it for sure now; I can see her just beyond the ropes, beckoning to me, wanting me to join her.

I'm coming!

There's a horrible snapping sound, I'm sinking into the air. Mom!

There's a hand, a yank, and below me is the expanse of the canyon. Why aren't I falling?

"Tifa!"

Cloud?

He's there, gripping my wrist so hard I think it's going to break. His teeth are grinding, I could see even from where I was. He pulled, and pulled hard, but he couldn't find the leverage to bring me up. Why? I wanted to die, to go to my mother; let me go!

"Hang on, Tifa!" he gasped, fighting to keep the two of us alive. Where are Johnny and the others? Why weren't they helping him?

... They left me. They'd left me here, and if it weren't for Cloud I'd be dead.

... I don't want to die. I don't want Cloud to die with me. That would be unfair, I was the one with the death wish, and he shouldn't have to suffer because of me. Would he be sad if I was gone? The same way I'm sad that Mother's gone? No! I can't to that to him! I'm going to help him help me!

I lifted my free arm up, grabbing his wrist. "I'm going to try and swing myself up!"

"I don't know if I can do that," Cloud said weakly, his face betraying his frustration at not being able to pull me up. You know, he has such blue eyes...

"It'll be fine!" I say, even as I start to pump my legs. "Just hold my arms!"

The momentum starts to build, and the faintest of smiles crosses his face as he realizes that it's starting to work. I've almost pulled enough height to wrap my foot around a rope support when I see too late that the rope is frayed. It snaps from my teasing with it, and the last of Cloud's leverage is gone. We're falling. Oh, my god we're falling!

We were still holding hands during that fall, and in those seconds of eternity, I realized a great many things. First: that if Johnny and the others were really my friends they wouldn't have run away. Second: that Cloud didn't, and that he deserved my attention much more than them. Third: he didn't deserve to die because I was the one with the death wish.

I don't know how, but I pulled him towards me and angled the fall. I took the brunt of it.

That was the first time I was unconscious for seven days. I was told later that Cloud only scrapped his knees.

I wonder why I'm thinking about all of this now. I didn't even remember any of this until a short while ago. When I woke up, everything was very fuzzy, feelings more than anything else. The strongest of which was that Cloud was much more important to me than the others.

But Daddy wouldn't let me see him. I spent an entire week locked up - almost literally - in my own house. He went on and on about how horrible a child Cloud was for luring me up to that dangerous bridge, that he should have been the one in a coma and not me. He forbad me from seeing Cloud ever again, to stick with Johnny and the other nice boys like him.

I couldn't argue with this with anything concrete; as I said I remembered very little. Only that what Daddy said disturbed me greatly, there was something horribly wrong with his take on the events; but I could not put my finger on what. The entire town agreed with him, I think everyone came to see how "the poor girl" was doing after I woke up. I remember staying by my window, staring outside and wondering where Cloud was.

When I finally was allowed outside, I made a beeline for his house, knocking on his door. I remember his mother answered, and was surprised to see me.

"But I want to see Cloud!" I had said stubbornly.

"No, child, I don't think that would be a good idea." I peeked behind her and saw Cloud, he was sitting in the kitchen, again only just in sight. He looked like he was in the middle of having his bandages changed; his head was wrapped and he was trying to tie his wrist one-handed. Hadn't he only scrapped his knees? He looked up, saw me, and immediately turned away.

... He doesn't want to see me...

Things changed after that. Cloud was no longer in my peripheral vision. In fact, he was the only thing I ever saw. I was constantly pushing Johnny and his other stooges aside to look for Cloud, or to break up the inevitable fight the two of them entered - which steadily became more vicious as time passed. The fighting only stopped when, once, I stepped in and was punched in the face by Johnny. They both silently agreed to keep civil while I was around.

I still wore dresses. Now I did it deliberately so that I could be close to my mother. I kept training myself on how to walk, how to lock my hands behind my back and tip forward with a coy smile.

I wore Mother's favorite, that blue dress, the night Cloud invited me to the well. I was so surprised that he has spoken to me instead of the other way around. It made me... happy. He was so cute that night, his blond tufts of hair were now white with the moon, his skin an even paler cream.

... He was leaving? For SOLDIER?

... Mom...

That was a train of thought I didn't want to go on. I wasn't going to loose Cloud the way I lost my mother. So, selfishly, manipulatively, snakishly, I extracted a horrible promise from him; that he would come to my rescue when I needed him, that he would be my knight; that he wouldn't _leave_ me. I'm such a wretched person; I never realized how much pressure that would put on Cloud. It's my fault that he suffered like he did.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. When Cloud left, my last line to happiness went with him. The issues with my father became the forefront of my life. He never showed any attention to my mother, but now he showed much _too_ much attention to me. I think, deep down, he did love my mother, but he never showed it. With her gone, he decided that he would show it to his only child. But I don't think he knew how to handle women. He did one of two things: either lock me away and hide me from the world, or push me on a boy he thought was befitting his dear little girl.

He didn't understand the only boy I thought about was Cloud. It wasn't something I was conscious of; it was like he was still in my peripheral vision, always in the corner of my thoughts. I started reading the papers, hoping to hear word about how the brave warrior Cloud made it into SOLDIER. I talked with his mother constantly, we became very close in those two years.

But it was soon after that that I stopped wearing dresses. You see, my body was changing. I didn't notice it that much, except in casual annoyance. But the _boys_, they acted so _differently_. I didn't realize until much later that all that training my mother put me through did more than "keep those prospective boys entertained." Entertained wasn't the right word, enticed was better. I was luring boys by the dozens, and my small dresses, large bust, and long legs only made them lust for me more. I still don't notice it, even now; my behaviors are so ingrained in me that I don't know how to act otherwise.

Johnny, he was in my room one day, just he and I. He was talking about... something, and I was thinking about Cloud. Johnny sat down beside me, very close, and I shied away. He persisted, however, and suddenly he grabbed my shoulder, making me face him.

"What?"

"I'm tired of your mixed messages. You either want me or you don't, which is it?"

"What? I don't under--"

Then he kissed me. One hand grabbed a breast and the other trailed down, trying to get under my dress. It was all I could do to push him off and escape to the other side of the room. My body was burning, I felt shamed, mortified, dirty.

"... I think I should go." Johnny stood, his face a menagerie of betrayal, hurt, and shame. He paused, stepping closer to me.

"... I'm sorry," was all I could say. He stayed away after that.

Gone were the carefree childhood days of smiles and secrets. I had become a melancholy, quiet, solitary girl. The dresses were gone, locked away in a hope chest. Now I dressed like a boy, white T-shirts, shorts, suspenders, cowboy hats. I wandered the mountains, becoming an expert of the trails and caves; I started learning martial arts. I would sit for hours on the well, on the truck, by the fence of the mansion, reading papers, desperate for any whisper of Cloud's name. I learned a lot about Shin-Ra in those times. It didn't take much to read between the lines, and while I grew to like the super-company less and less I still strove to find word of Cloud - even if it was in the obituary.

That was when I heard that Shin-Ra, that some members of SOLIDER, were coming. Hope surged through me. Cloud was coming, _Cloud was coming_! He would come and take me away, rescue me from a town that was quickly turning ugly to me.

My father was quick to offer my services as a guide, and the night before their arrival, he informed me that I was to make certain to snag one of those members of SOLDIER, men of proven character and merit worthy of marrying his daughter. He disgusted me, and I yelled at him, said horrible things.

The next day, who arrived but the mighty Sephiroth himself. This was the man that Cloud wanted to be like. Following him was the wild black mane of a man named Zack. After him were to blue uniformed soldiers. There was no Cloud. I was so disturbed that I ran from them, I couldn't face them without bursting into tears, which I did as soon as I entered my home.

That night I made a decision. Sephiroth. Surely, he knew where Cloud was; I was suddenly glad I was the scout, if I got close to him I could get him to tell me where my childhood friend was.

The bridge collapsed a second time, and one of the men in blue uniforms grabbed my hand as we fell. We didn't fall as far as when we were children, but one of the men was hurt badly. Sephiroth pushed forward however, and his partner Zack looked back apologetically as he followed. I wanted to help the fallen man, but more so I wanted to learn about Cloud, and I followed.

I was kept from going into the reactor, that blue uniformed man who held my hand refusing to let me in. Hmph! I needed to find out about Cloud, and he wouldn't let me.

After that...

The fire...

I watched in horror as Sephiroth set fire to my home. Daddy dove on top of me as part of the ceiling collapsed. I was knocked out only for a few minutes, but it was enough for him to get a good head start. I raced after my father. He'd saved my life; in the span of minutes he'd made up for years of maltreatment; and now he was going after Sephiroth, certain death.

I was too late, he was sprawled on the floor of the reactor, blood pooling underneath him.

"Daddy..."

Everyone leaves me, my mother, Cloud, now my father. Shin-Ra did this, Sephiroth did this! I hate them! I hate them all!

There's a sword in my hands, there's a man with silver hair, there's a blood lust for revenge... there's an explosion of pain... there's a fall...

There's Cloud... his scent, his hands around my wrist, his blue eyes. I don't understand, where did he come from?

Cloud...

I woke up in Midgar. There was a terrible headache, a dim memory, an unbearable sense of loss, and an ugly scar from my shoulder to my sternum. My solitude was now complete, everyone was gone, dead, burned to the ground. Cloud was nowhere in sight, and I could no longer afford to wait for him. For six months I mended. For another six months I starved, scrapped, and saved.

Meeting Barrett was interesting. My martial arts kept me safe except for large groups. I was running from a particularly large group and found myself cornered. Barrett fired his gun, making an enormous ruckus, and then asked if I was alright. It was a fast friendship and a dangerous pair. We pooled enough to buy out a bar, and I deliberately named it Tifa's Seventh Heaven. Barrett thought it was silly, naming the bar so a friend I hadn't heard from in three years could find me, but I won out. Cloud was in Midgar, he would have to have been if he wanted to join SOLDIER. Now I was in Midgar and I had to let him know.

Over the next year, as Barrett made changes to the basement, I learned how to upkeep the bar and play hostess. I have to say my mother's training paid off. I drew in customers by the dozens, and between Barrett and me we kept everyone from panting and pawing openly.

It was like that for three years. Barrett gathered members, Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge. Marlene attached to me quickly. I slowly, somehow, regained a little bit of myself. I became cheerful again. There was a routine, an energy, a life to what I was doing. I was taking part in the war against Shin-Ra, I had purpose. I was no longer waiting.

Someone, somewhere, once said that it was when you stop looking that the love of your life will appear.

I was heading to the train station when I saw him. He was sprawled across the steps, moaning, barely conscious. I almost didn't recognize him, he was so tall, his muscles wiry and powerful - I could tell even in his weakened state. It was his blond hair that tipped me off, and when his unfocused eyes looked up at me I knew, this was Cloud. His wonderfully blue eyes were more intense than ever, the clear sign of mako treatment, and he was in the uniform of SOLDIER. He had made it, but what had happened to him? He looked so weak, so fragile.

He was in and out of consciousness for two weeks. Barrett had to run the bar, I couldn't leave his side. He seemed to cling to me. There were nights when I would wake up and he was wrapped completely around my hand, his face contorted in some kind of pain. He would murmur in his sleep, incoherent phrases and syllables. It was terrifying to watch him, I was certain he had arrived only to die in my arms and leave me again.

One morning I awoke to find him not there. Panicked, I raced upstairs to find him at the bar, pondering a drink. Barrett was nowhere in sight. He was alive! He was awake!

"So you finally decided to wake up?" I had asked, not bothering to hide the giddiness in my voice.

He looked up, his intense blue eyes widening. "Tifa...? What are you doing here?"

He didn't remember... Maybe that was for the best.

"You didn't see the sign?" I asked. "It's my bar. Tifa's Seventh Heaven. What can I get you, although it looks like you've already helped yourself?" I gently take the cup, sniffing the contents. "Oh, you'll want something better than this. Here." I pull out my best and pour two glasses. "It's been quite a while now, hasn't it?"

His eyes clouded for a moment, his mind far away. "Yeah, five years is a long time."

There it was again, five years, not seven.

"I thought you'd died, back then. Sephiroth hurt you so badly..."

Cloud...?

"My mother, your father, everyone is gone, aren't they? They have been for years." He blinked, looking around again. "How'd you open this bar? And who was that guy with the gun bolted to his arm? He wasn't happy to see me."

"Barrett?" I asked, smiling in spite of the chills in my spine. "You could say he's my financier."

"He hardly looks like the type who would know how to handle money." He sipped the drink and made a face. He wasn't used to liquor.

I giggle, somewhat relieved that some things hadn't changed.

"So what are you doing now?"

That faraway look again. "I'm a mercenary now..."

"Oh, really? What about SOLDIER?"

"_I'm not part of them anymore_." The fervor in his voice stilled me. What could have happened that made him hate SOLDIER that much? No, he must have heard about Nibelheim. I can understand that. I hate them to; I'm on the path to their destruction, I'm harboring AVALANCHE. Wait...

"You know, Barrett might just have need for a mercenary."

Cloud perked up from whatever thoughts he was having. "Really?"

That was the beginning of a great series of adventures that increased in intensity and danger until it culminated in the death of my best friend and the complete psychological shattering of the man who meant the most to me. The second time I was unconscious for seven days was when the Weapons had emerged. Its energy passed through me - it was so angry, angry at who? Mankind? - and I was gone.

When I woke up, everything was very fuzzy, feelings more than anything else. The strongest of which was loss. Aeris... Cloud... Cloud...

Those days were the hardest of my life. I can't even talk about the thoughts that ran through my head.

But now I've found him; and I'm going to keep him safe, and I'm going to help him return to himself. It's the least I can do, considering what I've put him through.

Maybe, when this is all over, I'll put that blue dress on, Mother's favorite. Maybe I'll wear it for him. Maybe he'll notice that I love him, and that I want to make up for all the mistakes that I've made.

Maybe...

Cloud woke up slowly, his eyes fluttering open. He was dimly aware of the sound of waves, not the crushing waves of the ocean but the quiet whisper of a lake. It was hot, and there was a canopy at the edge of his vision, and the smell of smoke.

_Cloud..._

"Tifa...?"

The brown face of Barrett appeared. "Ye're awake, huh? You've had us worried, spike-head."

It was torture, but Cloud pulled himself up and looked around. Tifa was beside him, eyes closed and chest rhythmically moving up and down. "Tifa..."

"She's fine," Barrett offered, crossing his arms. "She woke up a little while ago, muttering something about the things people keep locked up inside'em. She was talkin' real funny."

Everything crashed audibly into Cloud's brain, his memories, his life, his past, and Tifa's. He groaned and clutched his head, lying back.

"Hey, y'all right?" Barrett asked.

The pain subsided, replaced with the dull throb of a headache and the wonderful release of pressure. "Yeah," Cloud murmured. "I just remembered something. A lot of somethings, actually... I put a lot of pressure on myself to do something, but I'd already done it and didn't even know I had... and it put so much pressure on her... I had no idea until now."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"... Nothing."

Cloud closed his eyes, and drifted back to sleep. He and Tifa curled next to each other, their hands touching.

**End**

Author's Note: Yes there were some tense changes; they were placed deliberately because it _is_ a stream of consciousness. This is our take on Tifa and her motives/problems. A lot of people either bash her or put her on an angst pedestal, and neither portrayal really fits her. After playing the game we looked at the Lifestream sequence (several times; it's our favorite sequence of the game) and realized this: in the Lifestream their souls were merged. As Tifa was looking and sorting through Cloud's mind, Cloud _must_ be doing the same to hers. Hence this fic. We were tempted to explore her relationship with Aeris – but that's such a big rant on our part it would be an entire fic.


End file.
